If I consider moments of tension or friction in relationships I've had and have, I would say many come from the problems that arise from passive aggressive and just plain aggressive behaviour. When Caitlin and I were backpacking for months together, there were so many moment of her feeling hurt and me feeling frustrated. One night we got drunk and talked about it. Our conclusion was that she was nice and I was honest. Then we ventured a little further and admitted how we really felt about each other: she was weak and I was mean. It was kind of a lighthearted conversation and I think we were better off for having it, and I think we both felt right about being categorized how we were. I have never found value in the notion of nice and she was wary of honesty. In general, I find I have a lot of conflict with people I would call passive aggressive. I don't understand how a person can act out of impure intentions (although I'm sure I do it often in moments lacking self-awareness). But that is to say, my intention in life is always to be honest about how I'm feeling and to communicate how I feel to people when there is obvious conflict. Most people don't want to communicate, I find. I think it makes people uncomfortable. But personally I don't find life much worth living if I'm not being honest.
A huge challenge for me day to day is communicating in a positive way. I don't like to be aggressive and I don't like to be around aggressive people all that much. I like to be flexible and accommodate other people but I have little patience for that if the people I'm trying to accommodate don't communicate their needs to me in some form. There have been many times in my life when I have failed to be a mature, grounded communicator and I think because of that I often come off as a bitch. Working on that is life work; it takes time to undo habits, to let go, to be flexible. Mostly I think it's about listening to yourself. I find any time we say things that come off as bitchy it's because we haven't said what we meant to say, that we haven't listened to the deepest truth in the issue. Often I think it's not about the conflict at hand but more about conflict with ourselves that only we can change ourselves.
I guess I've been thinking about this a lot today in particular because Alex and I are preparing to spend three weeks with his parents and we feel there is some tension between them and us, between their opinions and our boundaries. It's important to us to have a great last visit with them before we move away because we want them to feel like a good part of our and Sebastian's lives, and we want to feel that we can trust them during future visits. I also feel that although the tension is truly and equally between us -- Alex and I --- and them, that it comes across as a tension between me and them because Alex has a tendency to be passive, and to me his passivity is synonymous with passive aggressiveness. We've been talking about how to communicate with them, which is a challenge. It's not only a challenge to find ways to communicate with them positively and effectively without coming across as frustrated, and to ensure that we've been heard, but it's also a challenge to simply communicate with each other on this issue. It comes down to the age old issue in our relationship that he is passive and I am aggressive, and I'm really ready to put those categories aside for the sake of our marriage and the sake of us as parents. Particularly as parents. In my mind, it won't be long at all before we need to be a team for the sake of our children understanding boundaries etc...
I think of every single friend I have, there is only one who doesn't have an imbalance of passivity or aggressiveness, and that is Aja. When I met her I was astounded with her ability to face an issue head-on, putting aside her personal irrationality, putting down ineffective but oh so tempting language and blame. Whenever I've watched her in a conflict or had one with her, she's always been true to the situation and not to her ego, and for that I am forever grateful that she is my friend. This week I want to try to learn from Aja.
I feel that my one truest and deepest value is truth, and therefore honesty. I have had a lot of conflict in my life with this, because my heart always pulls me towards being straightforward, but social convention has taught me otherwise. I've also been labeled as honest, and then in turn mean. It makes me sad because I can't shake my value of truth just for the sake of other peoples feelings, and so many times I don't want to deal with other people at all. I've learned more recently that I can be truthful and honest with myself, and remain silent if there's no reason to break someone else's delusion, that is if it doesn't effect me. But even that sometimes bugs me, because I can't usually understand what it would feel like NOT to WANT to be genuine.
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