Sour Milk

Breastfeeding has been on my mind a lot these days. Actually, what is usually a mindless task has become something I have to prepare mentally and physically for, one which I grimace through. I have had an on-going thrush infection for the last month. I am familiar with thrush infections as Sebastian and I had one in the first couple months of his life. Because I wasn’t privy to the sensation, it became out of control and caused a lot of pain, tears, dread etc… This is what I learned about combating thrush infections from that experience:

1. Regularly change and wash nursing pads or bras, preferably after EACH feeding.

2. Don’t use breast milk to soothe or attempt healing. Although breast milk is a great lubricant and healer for many ailments, particularly because of the presence of white blood cells, the warmth and sugar content of milk creates the ultimate breeding ground for yeast infections.

3. Wash the nipples and baby’s mouth after each feeding.

4. Keep nipples aired out as much as possible by not wearing a tight shirt or bra to bed, and going braless as much as possible around the house.

5. Over-the-counter and general pharmaceutical creams won’t necessarily help. Nystatin is apparently the gentlest cream available; it’s what is used on the baby’s mouth if the infection is visually present there and is available in cream form for nipples. This is what I used the first time I had thrush and although it was a great soother for the first or second use, after that it became irritating and had a counter-affect. Gentian violet is messy (it turns nipples and baby’s mouth purple), stains and slightly toxic. Most doctors and pharmacist that I’ve talked to recommend a common yeast infection cream, mainly Canestan.  I have talked to several mothers who have battled thrush infections and I don’t know of anyone who was successful with creams. One mother I talked to was successful with gentian violet. Two other mums I talked to swore by anti-fungal foot cream as the only thing that worked. I haven’t ventured there, having sensitive skin and a reluctance to get too creative with pharmaceuticals especially while breastfeeding.

6. Avoid excessive sugar and yeast in diet, mainly sweets and alcohol.

Aside from indulging in excessive amounts of chocolate, I have followed these rules pretty diligently during the last couple weeks. The infection has come and gone, but always lingered slightly even at the best of times. I’ve been using Nystain off and on, but am finding it too irritating. The last couple days have really worsened to the point where I’m in a lot of pain while breastfeeding and avoiding feedings. This morning I decided to try gentian violet. It’s a stubborn and strange thrush infection. For one thing, it hasn’t cultivated in Sebastian’s mouth in any visual way, whereas they typically do.

I’ve been thinking a lot of milk sharing, particularly nursing other babies. This thrush infection came from a friend of mine who graciously breastfed Sebastian one night while babysitting. We had talked about milk sharing and nursing each other babies a lot before this, and were both open to nursing each other’s babies should they need it. We both agreed that we would always rather do that than give our babes formula. I knew she would probably have to nurse Sebastian back to sleep the night she baby sat if he woke up, so that was cool.

I still think milk sharing and nursing other mama’s babies is great, but I’ve definitely learned something from this experience. I should have taken the risks a little more seriously. I didn’t know my friend had a thrush infection when she nursed Seb, and she definitely didn’t either. But I should have asked if she had ANY signs of ANY problem surrounding breastfeeding. She thought she had a dry skin or just irritation from the winter, and had some scabs. If I knew she had scabs, looking back on it, I would have been wary to let her nurse Seb. I know that now. While I really trust her, and wouldn’t let Seb be nursed by anyone who I didn’t completely trust, there are just some standard precautions I will definitely take in the future, regardless of who the perspective L.N is. Open wounds or scabs is one. Any signs at all of infection or irritation is another. Necessity is another thing I’m going to really factor in the next time the opportunity to nurse someone else’s baby or let Sebastian be nursed, because sometimes we’re carry something and don’t know it. Was this on-going thrush infection worth a couple of hours out at night? Not really. But I’m not dwelling on it, and there’s no point in regretting it. I’m fine to take this as a learning opportunity.

Now, I’m just trying to heal this thing. It’s getting a little out of hand, and I’m not sure what else to do about it. I have a tiny open wound now which is so irritated and is getting infected by nursing. Last week, on the other breast, I developed a clogged duct in the middle of night and woke with chills and a fever. It took a day or two of tender breasts and achy muscles and grimaced feedings to get through it.

I’ve also been thinking more and more about weaning Sebastian. Not thinking about actually weaning him, but about the future experience of weaning him. I know these infections are definitely factors in thinking about this, but not the root. He’s seven months old and is eating more and more meals. A couple weeks ago, infection aside, I went through a short but intense phase of hating breastfeeding. I felt like a wanted to stop, that everytime I fed Sebastian he was sucking some kind of life out of me. Maybe I was tired, having been sole-provider for him while Alex was still in Ottawa for a week. Sometimes I resent using my breasts as a tool to get him to do things, such as go to sleep. It’s hard to lull him to sleep without breastfeeding for me because that’s how we’ve often done it. I know from my past experience with thrush that the pain and irritation and emotion is sometimes enough to make you want to throw your baby out the window (ha…erg.)

As he gets older I’ve been thinking a bit more about how long I will nurse him. A few people have casually brought it up, like asking me what I’m going to do once I’m away from him a couple days a week in Vancouver. I didn’t really see it as an obstacle, and I still don’t (I foresee a greater bond with my breast pump in bathroom stalls), but I wonder if I will actually want to keep breastfeeding past his first birthday. As with just about everything, I know I will just see how we’ve both feeling when that time comes. I know I want to breastfeed him at least one year, and am open to going beyond that. I don’t think he’ll be eager to break that bond, and I know getting him to break the bond would be much harder on me than somewhat begrudgingly continuing to breastfeed.

Deep down, I have a conflicting assumption that I want to be the kind of mother who lets him nurse for years if that’s what he wants. I like the idea of an utterly gentle, drawn-out wean. I’m trying to decide if it’s the process or the idea of this approach that I value. A big part of me is looking forward to having my body completely my own again, though, or at least being needed a lot less in that way. Nursing him before bed, for example, would seem sublime if it meant not having to nursing ten other times a day. I guess I think a lot about a second or third child and wonder how I’m going to reach a point of generosity to welcome pregnancy again. I think a large gap between breastfeed and the next conception will be very helpful. The thought of pregnancy again is still overwhelming, although for some reason I catch myself often thinking of the next babies to join the family with warmness and eagerness.