The delay in posts should give some indication of our lives since September. Gone are the days of seven-day work weeks (now we're down to six), though the days are still ever-demanding. But amidst all the activity one of us is always home with Sebastain, and on my days I try not to get anything done, but just sit with him and read, go for walks, stand with him as he explores the trails around Lower Gibsons, talks to dogs, and collects maple leaves. Every day I'm home with him is like a deep breath.
The days Alex is home with him I'm in Vancouver, commuting commuting, or I'm at the Shed down on the wharf enjoying the view and the suddenly lessened demand for burritos and tacos. I've got this eclectic jumble of days and I like it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out on some aspects of the MFA program at UBC because of all this juggling and commuting (mostly the drinking aspect, although I think I've done okay thanks to the last ferry option), but I'm doing the best I can and I think I'm doing a good job so far. I just got a job as a "mentor" for a writer through Booming Ground which is exactly the sort of thing I needed more experience with when I'm thrust out of the university nest and looking for freelance editing work, should I head down that path. I've also been working on a series of Montreal poem for Rhea Tregebov's class which I'm really enjoying. I should also say that I owe all the manageable days to Alex, who has been extremely supportive of this whole Masters thing.
I think life has felt a bit chaotic because of the extra energy we've been giving our housing situation. We've been having some conflict with our landlord, which has reminded me of the overwhelming power human-drama can have on otherwise calm and satisfying days. The house came with some heavy personal and financial baggage that we were only peripherally aware of but has escalated to an uncomfortable degree. We've had to pause from our demanding projects and to-do lists, and take some time to really think about what's important to us, where we want to be, what kind of house we want and what kind of sacrifices we can make to get it. When we took this house we didn't know how committed we were to the Sunshine Coast, I didn't know how many days I would have to commute into the city, and we didn't know if we would be content here coming from Montreal. Now we have a better idea and are happy to stay on the Coast. The house is beautiful, and we've had an amazing summer here so close to the beach, swimming off the dock after work, having fires outside and gardening. But it's not a place we can stay long-term, and now we know we'd like to be somewhere with long-term in mind. So, come spring, if not sooner, we'll be finding somewhere to put some roots down for a while.

Aside from not having any new photos, I don't have much to say. The last week or two has left me drained. A combination of the family's seven-days-a-week work schedule, house guests, lack of sleep and so on. In times like this I think about weaning Sebastian more seriously. He'll be a year old in a couple weeks, which is the World Health Organization's recommended duration for breastfeeding. Not that I really care about what WHO has to say., and in fact I think it recommends breastfeeding for as long as possible after a year. Weaning is something that's been in the back of my mind for a few months now, probably since the thrush fiasco. I haven't thought about it seriously because I knew neither Sebastian nor I were ready, I wasn't going to wean him before his first birthday, and I wasn't by any means eager to stop. But, these days especially, I am increasingly aware of how independent he's becoming and also how physically demanding breastfeeding can be. Foolishly, and conflictingly because I don't really believe in taking supplements, I haven't regularly taken vitamins while nursing, and we've undergone a lot of changes and stresses in the last year. With the stable, relaxing yet continually demanding schedule of the summer I can finally take a breath, take some perspective and recognize how much energy this last year, last two years, has taken. I gave a lot of myself moving to Montreal, a lot of myself being pregnant, and a lot of myself to nurturing my son. Now I think I'm ready to start taking a bit back for myself. Travelling to Vancouver for grad school in September will certainly be a remedy that I'm looking forward to. But it will be physically taxing no doubt, and that's the main issue I have with breastfeeding these days. I can feel my body being extended a bit farther then it can handle. I'm eating well, lots of fresh veggies from the garden are now filtering into our kitchen, and I'm consuming more meat than I probably ever have from working at The Shed. I've switched to green tea instead of coffee for a while, and I'm taking really good quality Herbalife multi vitamins. I guess I don't want to weaning Sebastian to come from a negative place. I'd like to fully acknowledge what I'm doing, because I know it will be hard for him and I know it will emotional for me. So for now I'm trying to take better care of myself and I'm encouraging him to nurse less. By the time September comes around he might be down to a couple times a day, which would be a huge improvement for me, or I might just have more energy to give him. We'll see.

there's one good thing about being a young parent in montreal: you can maintain a bit of edge. if i was feeling domestic life a bit heavy i could go out alone, wander mile end or downtown and feel like i was a part of something big, some orbital culture. not true for the sunshine coast. i'm not complaining, obviously when seeking a more rural life here i was aware and appreciative that these two worlds are almost opposites. but today i am feeling a little nostalgic for montreal, for some stimulus, friends, an excellent coffee and the industrial landscape of saint henri. it's a quiet, grey, homey day here and the baby is asleep. alex is working now (right now he's ripping a roof off an hexagonal cabin on gambier island), so i've resumed full-time housewife and mother role. finding some harmony in this a little more challenging since i'm not i'm my own home, but what can you do.
i've been thinking a lot about going back to university in september. i'm really looking forward to it, but i'm curious and a little anxious to see how i can balance these different roles and selves when the time comes. i wonder about where my inspiration will come from without a bit of edge in my life. i'm not worried about keeping up with fiction, but i'm inexperienced with creative non-fiction and suspect i have way less exciting things to write about now than i did when i was younger. this blog was supposed to be an exercises of non-fictional writing, a source of challenge, a place to be episodic and focused, or just to practice when all else fails. i've lost sight of that and am feeling uninspired by the gradual tilt this space has taken into the intimate going-ons of the days.

ah. mercury retrograde.

We've had one of those weeks when the world tosses you around and you have to rag-doll and wait for it to pass. We're hiding out in Ottawa at Alex's parents before heading back to Montreal to reclaim our life. The day before leaving Vancouver Alex lost his job. We left Montreal with five weeks of paternity leave and discovered we were returning to a hacked work schedule, not enough to live on. We weren't surprised; it's the kind of place where you have to be permanently rag-dolled. But we thought they would have some decency, if not respect for their legal obligation, to not screw us over while we were away. Or at least give us some warning. But that's not their style. So, we weighed our options and decided the best thing for us is for Alex to be laid off completely, go on EI, and start packing up. We had loose plans to leave at the end of March, but as our trip West ended I knew I was truly ready to settle into the more permanent life we've been putting off in Vancouver or thereabouts. For me, this shit with Cafe Mariani is a blessing. I can finally come home.
Now all that's left is the packing that, honestly, I've meticulously envisioned over and over again, and some good old fashioned manifestation. I feel really positive about this move, and know that we will be taken well care of. For me, this is one of the purist decisions I've ever made and I'm excited to see where it takes us.
On our last day on the Sunshine Coast Alex, Sebastian and I walked about Lower Gibsons in the slushy rain. We got some gelato and walked down to the marina and along the peer, watched the fishing boats. The ocean was frozen in the tiny inlets of the docks. I'd never seen frozen ocean before.
The next day my parents drove us into Vancouver. We had lunch in Kits at the Naam then drove around UBC. My mother has a vision of living in the new green development there and has been applying for jobs on campus in association with the farm and gardens. Oddly, it was my great-Grandpa (my father's Grandpa, not my mother's, who is so enthralled with the place) who founded the UBC farm. My Grandpa and his siblings and a large herd of Ayrshire cows crossed the Atlantic from Scotland, travelled across Canada and settled there. We saw my Grandpa's old elementary school on the campus. It's a huge place. Almost a city on it's own. I've applied for the Masters of Fine Arts program there for this upcoming September and will hear whether or not I got in this month. So it was kind of a charged visit, a place where all of us envision our future in some sense. It was also strange because the only time I had ever been there was to visit Rio a few years ago. She was living in an apartment there, struggling through her degree while battling her illness. I sat in the back seat feeling a little emotional, heading to the airport, saying goodbye to my parents. But it was good for us to all be there, I think.
On another note, today my little brother Simon is leaving Panama City on a fifty-foot sail boat bound for Sydney, Australia. He's been living in a crew house in Florida looking for a crew job on a yatch or sailboat, then cruising around America these last few months with people he's met. He and a buddy were bound from Pittsburgh to the small island of Saint Maarten in the Caribbean, hoping to find work there instead, when he got a job offer to help sail this boat. I think they'll be arriving in Sydney in a few months. The destination is great for him because we're Australian citizens and can work without papers there. We also have aunts, uncles and cousins scattered throughout the country who I don't think Simon has met yet. I must say, I'm a little envious!