Aside from not having any new photos, I don't have much to say. The last week or two has left me drained. A combination of the family's seven-days-a-week work schedule, house guests, lack of sleep and so on. In times like this I think about weaning Sebastian more seriously. He'll be a year old in a couple weeks, which is the World Health Organization's recommended duration for breastfeeding. Not that I really care about what WHO has to say., and in fact I think it recommends breastfeeding for as long as possible after a year. Weaning is something that's been in the back of my mind for a few months now, probably since the thrush fiasco. I haven't thought about it seriously because I knew neither Sebastian nor I were ready, I wasn't going to wean him before his first birthday, and I wasn't by any means eager to stop. But, these days especially, I am increasingly aware of how independent he's becoming and also how physically demanding breastfeeding can be. Foolishly, and conflictingly because I don't really believe in taking supplements, I haven't regularly taken vitamins while nursing, and we've undergone a lot of changes and stresses in the last year. With the stable, relaxing yet continually demanding schedule of the summer I can finally take a breath, take some perspective and recognize how much energy this last year, last two years, has taken. I gave a lot of myself moving to Montreal, a lot of myself being pregnant, and a lot of myself to nurturing my son. Now I think I'm ready to start taking a bit back for myself. Travelling to Vancouver for grad school in September will certainly be a remedy that I'm looking forward to. But it will be physically taxing no doubt, and that's the main issue I have with breastfeeding these days. I can feel my body being extended a bit farther then it can handle. I'm eating well, lots of fresh veggies from the garden are now filtering into our kitchen, and I'm consuming more meat than I probably ever have from working at The Shed. I've switched to green tea instead of coffee for a while, and I'm taking really good quality Herbalife multi vitamins. I guess I don't want to weaning Sebastian to come from a negative place. I'd like to fully acknowledge what I'm doing, because I know it will be hard for him and I know it will emotional for me. So for now I'm trying to take better care of myself and I'm encouraging him to nurse less. By the time September comes around he might be down to a couple times a day, which would be a huge improvement for me, or I might just have more energy to give him. We'll see.

goodbye free money

The end of an era: as of Wednesday I'm not longer paid a grand or so a month to hang out with little Sebastian. Goodbye maternity leave. Alex and I have always agreed we don't want to send Sebastian to childcare when this time comes, or even in the next year or two, for two reasons: we hardly make enough money to justify paying for childcare, we just feel uncomfortable handing him over to someone we don't know very well especially at such a young age, and, the real reason, we'd just rather spend time with him than have extra money.
But, Alex's job situation is shifting now and he'll have to find something more stable and long-term. I'd been thinking about getting a tiny part-time job when this time came because I was starting to crave a little outside babyless interaction and some continued financial independence. I also a bit of a work horse, so when I was casually offered a job at The Shed on the pier, I happily took it. I'm not sure how much I'll be working, probably just weekends but while Alex sorts out his job situation I think I'll probably be working a bit more. I'm working a couple shifts this week. Some of the shifts will overlap with Sebastian's bedtime, foregoing our nightly ritual of milk and sleep, but I think we're both ready. But this place is flexible and Shylo, the girl who runs it, is a young mama (and is also going back to school and commuting to UBC like me) so I know I'm in good hands.
I'm grateful that our country has such generous parental leave benefits, and also grateful towards myself for having the sense to scramble my way into a job last-minute to earn benefits. There were many an exhausted, morning-sick days at my desk but I'm glad I got through it.When I was a baby I think the maximum paid time a woman had was three months. My ma reluctantly went back to the hospital part time (to work in pediatrics with sick babies, nonetheless) when I was that age out of necessity and would ride her bike home on her lunch break to breastfeed me, or my dad and I would trek there. I've had fifty paid weeks for my last couple months of pregnancy and until Sebastian's ten month mark, and I know he's at an age now where he can understand and accept that I'm not going to be there all day every day. I also think he's at an age where he might benefit from a little mumless time.

Sour Milk

Breastfeeding has been on my mind a lot these days. Actually, what is usually a mindless task has become something I have to prepare mentally and physically for, one which I grimace through. I have had an on-going thrush infection for the last month. I am familiar with thrush infections as Sebastian and I had one in the first couple months of his life. Because I wasn’t privy to the sensation, it became out of control and caused a lot of pain, tears, dread etc… This is what I learned about combating thrush infections from that experience:

1. Regularly change and wash nursing pads or bras, preferably after EACH feeding.

2. Don’t use breast milk to soothe or attempt healing. Although breast milk is a great lubricant and healer for many ailments, particularly because of the presence of white blood cells, the warmth and sugar content of milk creates the ultimate breeding ground for yeast infections.

3. Wash the nipples and baby’s mouth after each feeding.

4. Keep nipples aired out as much as possible by not wearing a tight shirt or bra to bed, and going braless as much as possible around the house.

5. Over-the-counter and general pharmaceutical creams won’t necessarily help. Nystatin is apparently the gentlest cream available; it’s what is used on the baby’s mouth if the infection is visually present there and is available in cream form for nipples. This is what I used the first time I had thrush and although it was a great soother for the first or second use, after that it became irritating and had a counter-affect. Gentian violet is messy (it turns nipples and baby’s mouth purple), stains and slightly toxic. Most doctors and pharmacist that I’ve talked to recommend a common yeast infection cream, mainly Canestan.  I have talked to several mothers who have battled thrush infections and I don’t know of anyone who was successful with creams. One mother I talked to was successful with gentian violet. Two other mums I talked to swore by anti-fungal foot cream as the only thing that worked. I haven’t ventured there, having sensitive skin and a reluctance to get too creative with pharmaceuticals especially while breastfeeding.

6. Avoid excessive sugar and yeast in diet, mainly sweets and alcohol.

Aside from indulging in excessive amounts of chocolate, I have followed these rules pretty diligently during the last couple weeks. The infection has come and gone, but always lingered slightly even at the best of times. I’ve been using Nystain off and on, but am finding it too irritating. The last couple days have really worsened to the point where I’m in a lot of pain while breastfeeding and avoiding feedings. This morning I decided to try gentian violet. It’s a stubborn and strange thrush infection. For one thing, it hasn’t cultivated in Sebastian’s mouth in any visual way, whereas they typically do.

I’ve been thinking a lot of milk sharing, particularly nursing other babies. This thrush infection came from a friend of mine who graciously breastfed Sebastian one night while babysitting. We had talked about milk sharing and nursing each other babies a lot before this, and were both open to nursing each other’s babies should they need it. We both agreed that we would always rather do that than give our babes formula. I knew she would probably have to nurse Sebastian back to sleep the night she baby sat if he woke up, so that was cool.

I still think milk sharing and nursing other mama’s babies is great, but I’ve definitely learned something from this experience. I should have taken the risks a little more seriously. I didn’t know my friend had a thrush infection when she nursed Seb, and she definitely didn’t either. But I should have asked if she had ANY signs of ANY problem surrounding breastfeeding. She thought she had a dry skin or just irritation from the winter, and had some scabs. If I knew she had scabs, looking back on it, I would have been wary to let her nurse Seb. I know that now. While I really trust her, and wouldn’t let Seb be nursed by anyone who I didn’t completely trust, there are just some standard precautions I will definitely take in the future, regardless of who the perspective L.N is. Open wounds or scabs is one. Any signs at all of infection or irritation is another. Necessity is another thing I’m going to really factor in the next time the opportunity to nurse someone else’s baby or let Sebastian be nursed, because sometimes we’re carry something and don’t know it. Was this on-going thrush infection worth a couple of hours out at night? Not really. But I’m not dwelling on it, and there’s no point in regretting it. I’m fine to take this as a learning opportunity.

Now, I’m just trying to heal this thing. It’s getting a little out of hand, and I’m not sure what else to do about it. I have a tiny open wound now which is so irritated and is getting infected by nursing. Last week, on the other breast, I developed a clogged duct in the middle of night and woke with chills and a fever. It took a day or two of tender breasts and achy muscles and grimaced feedings to get through it.

I’ve also been thinking more and more about weaning Sebastian. Not thinking about actually weaning him, but about the future experience of weaning him. I know these infections are definitely factors in thinking about this, but not the root. He’s seven months old and is eating more and more meals. A couple weeks ago, infection aside, I went through a short but intense phase of hating breastfeeding. I felt like a wanted to stop, that everytime I fed Sebastian he was sucking some kind of life out of me. Maybe I was tired, having been sole-provider for him while Alex was still in Ottawa for a week. Sometimes I resent using my breasts as a tool to get him to do things, such as go to sleep. It’s hard to lull him to sleep without breastfeeding for me because that’s how we’ve often done it. I know from my past experience with thrush that the pain and irritation and emotion is sometimes enough to make you want to throw your baby out the window (ha…erg.)

As he gets older I’ve been thinking a bit more about how long I will nurse him. A few people have casually brought it up, like asking me what I’m going to do once I’m away from him a couple days a week in Vancouver. I didn’t really see it as an obstacle, and I still don’t (I foresee a greater bond with my breast pump in bathroom stalls), but I wonder if I will actually want to keep breastfeeding past his first birthday. As with just about everything, I know I will just see how we’ve both feeling when that time comes. I know I want to breastfeed him at least one year, and am open to going beyond that. I don’t think he’ll be eager to break that bond, and I know getting him to break the bond would be much harder on me than somewhat begrudgingly continuing to breastfeed.

Deep down, I have a conflicting assumption that I want to be the kind of mother who lets him nurse for years if that’s what he wants. I like the idea of an utterly gentle, drawn-out wean. I’m trying to decide if it’s the process or the idea of this approach that I value. A big part of me is looking forward to having my body completely my own again, though, or at least being needed a lot less in that way. Nursing him before bed, for example, would seem sublime if it meant not having to nursing ten other times a day. I guess I think a lot about a second or third child and wonder how I’m going to reach a point of generosity to welcome pregnancy again. I think a large gap between breastfeed and the next conception will be very helpful. The thought of pregnancy again is still overwhelming, although for some reason I catch myself often thinking of the next babies to join the family with warmness and eagerness.

milk face

Yesterday was a big day for Sebastian as he ate his first non-milk meal. He had been miming chewing for a while, trying to grab our food off our plates, and his first two teeth just arrived (I found the second one broken through this morning!) so he was bound for some solid food any day now. I had been holding off because I wasn't sure what to feed him first. I didn't want to feed him store-bought baby ceral because I don't want his young eating experiences to involve preservatives if we can avoid it (which we always can). Yesterday as Alex and I were sitting down to a plate of homemade bbq scrambled tofu, potatoes and avacado I decided Sebastian should join us. So I threw a tiny pot of white rice onto the stove, whipped out my breast pump and blended the concoction together. We sat him in his little high chair, gave him a big wooden spoon and let him go at it. There were some "a.ps" as his Grandpa Bob calls them-- almost pukes-- but I think he enjoyed himself. I had been aware that this day would be a little emotional for me, and it was. It wasn't sad but just emotional, although less than I'd expected. I guess it seemed like a big milestone, the day he was no longer entirely dependant on my breasts. The day anyone could feed him. I know it's selfish, but hey, it's the truth. I like being that sole provider and I know I'm not alone. But I was happy to see him having this new experience, finally putting something other than table cloths in his mouth while joining us for dinner. And lo and behold, when it was all over and he was cleaned, all he wanted was to nurse. I know our breastfeeding experience will last for a lot longer.
As one relationship evolves and, in a way, ends, others begin. I had two really positive breastfeeding experiences yesterday and it seemed like the universe saying, hey now, you're still needed! In the morning I went to my mama-friend's place for tea and we talked about breastfeeding versus formula. For whatever reason she doesn't produce enough milk for her six-month-old to nurse exclusively so needs to give him a bottle at night, but is trying to up her milk production so she can avoid this. She pulled a can of $16 formula specifically designed for premies (presumably extra cautious and healthy, right?) and pointed out that the second ingredient was CORN SYRUP. "It's going to someone who needs it or in the trash," she said. She headed to the health food store later that day to buy a tea that might help with milk production. I knew she wouldn't find it weird so I offered her some of my milk in the meantime because I can pump a full bottle in about seven minutes and with Sebastian now eating I thought there would be some to spare. Luckily she has a small store in the freezer from past pumping, and is hoping that her tea will help so I won't be a milk bank for now, but she knows she can come to me if she decides it's time.
Later that night Alex and our friend Andy were standing on our patio in -15 when I noticed my neighbour downstairs was outside smoking and I discovered that his baby girl had just been born that week and was freshly home from the hospital. I tip-toed in with him to find his exhausted girlfriend looking defeated next to a tiny little creature. We negotiated through language barriers and I was told that the birth had been very hard, and ended in an unwanted c-section-- an end to what I understood as a very hard pregnancy. As a bottle nipple steralized on the stovetop I carefully ventured, "So are you thinking of breastfeeding?" I learned that she wasn't producing properly and that even the nurses at LaSalle Hospital (where I gave birth as well) had been confused about her lack of milk. The baby was falling asleep at the breast every time she tried. Martin and her looked so defeated and disappointed. "We both wanted her to breastfeed," Martin told me. "But..."
"But you can still try!" I said, trying not to get too involved or passionate lest I scare them off or accentuate their disappointment. I mean, she might not actually be able to breastfeed. He said, "Yes, we'll try maybe once a day..." I explained to them that her milk supply would only diminish more if she fed the baby once a day. I asked them about breast pumping and they said they couldn't afford to invest in a $200 electric one and pointed at this dinky little thing they had picked up somewhere.
So I offered them mine, which is apparently the best kind on the market for hand-held ones. I ran upstairs and got it, emptied the milk I had pumped for Luce's baby Elouan and Sebastian's food, and brought it back. They were sitting there looking so tired and Martin told me he's been working 16 hour days.
"Breastfeeding seems like some big secret," he told me. "We just feel like we're in the dark about it."
I sympathized; even though I have a "militant breastfeeder" as a mother (my father's words) and attended CLSC prenatal courses which focused a lot on breastfeeding, I still wasn't prepared for those first few days of excrutiatingly sore, bleeding nipples and constant constant constant feedings.
I felt like I could have stood there talking about breastfeeding for an hour if there hadn't been such a language barrier and if it wasn't their first day back from the hospital. I pried myself way. But before I left, I turned to say goodbye to the little creature in her chair on the floor and I said, "I forgot! What's her name?!" and the couple glanced at each other sheepishly and said, "Well, it's your name."
!!!

before

during

after-- tired and messy!